I feel so lost and off track,
I am here, in school
where I think I should be
where I want to be
but why is it that returning feels like a mistake i am forcing myself to deal with
i find it so difficult to do better
what am i doing wrong
well
step one
meditate on it
and come back
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
THE HOLIDAY
Iris: Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you.
Miles: Exactly, and on top of that there's the old standby, I can't believe a girl like that would actually be with a guy like me.
Iris: I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.
Miles: Exactly, and on top of that there's the old standby, I can't believe a girl like that would actually be with a guy like me.
Iris: I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Nails Did 💁
I haven't really figured out why?!?!, but I have this nagging urge to get my nails done and why that will make me feel so good.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
So it's been a while. Since I last set my sights on this magnificent method of release. My blog.
Today I made the decision to end my affair with social media by way of Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. It was only right to do so.
I had to digress. I found myself being to involved in the cyber lives of other. Secretly comparing myself to the fictitious achievement, looks and fun people 'seem' to display. It only furthered my dismal feelings of disappointment in not being 'Great' at this point in my life. So, as a remedy I had to remove myself. Forcefully. Although I know better, the truth of the matter is I am human and I am affected. Infected with social media delusion. I have to get my "Awesome back"
Awesome:Strengthen my SPIRIT.Get my HEALTH in check.Take more care in my IMAGE. Land a JOB.TRAVEL
All in that order. You see, one intentionally precedes the other. One event can not happen if not first the preceding event does not occur. Its all logic. Its all relative.
Needless to say, AWESOME, can not and will not exist without the success of all events.
So, I have made my decision. This also means I must accept that I have my work cut out for me from this moment on.
Well, enough ranting. Its time to get to work.
Today I made the decision to end my affair with social media by way of Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. It was only right to do so.
I had to digress. I found myself being to involved in the cyber lives of other. Secretly comparing myself to the fictitious achievement, looks and fun people 'seem' to display. It only furthered my dismal feelings of disappointment in not being 'Great' at this point in my life. So, as a remedy I had to remove myself. Forcefully. Although I know better, the truth of the matter is I am human and I am affected. Infected with social media delusion. I have to get my "Awesome back"
Awesome:Strengthen my SPIRIT.Get my HEALTH in check.Take more care in my IMAGE. Land a JOB.TRAVEL
All in that order. You see, one intentionally precedes the other. One event can not happen if not first the preceding event does not occur. Its all logic. Its all relative.
Needless to say, AWESOME, can not and will not exist without the success of all events.
So, I have made my decision. This also means I must accept that I have my work cut out for me from this moment on.
Well, enough ranting. Its time to get to work.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
erotic, reckless, fatalistic love affair
All men are liars, fickle, chatterers, hypocrites, proud or cowardly, despicable, sensual; all women faithless, deceitful, vain, inquisitive and depraved. The world is only a bottomless cesspool, where shapeless monsters climb and writhe on mountains of slime. But there is in the world a thing holy and sublime — the union of two of these beings, imperfect and frightful as they are. -Alfred de Musset
Recently, I came across the writer George Sand (a french woman) who is known for her rebellious attitude toward traditional female norms. For instance, she was known to dress in mens clothing and frequently expressed marriage as an agent of female oppression.
In spite of her radical forward looking views of the time, she was still a master seducer. Actually, my first run-in with her was in Robert Greene’s “The Art of Seduction”. I happened to browse through Netflix one night to quench my thirst for an erotic, reckless, fatalistic love affair and found this movie “Children of the Century”. Alfred de Musset’s (a french poet) take on the relationship.
I love French films!! What I love even more is someone who can formulate how something so vile can simultaneously be so beautiful. Sand an Musset’s relationship does this extremely well and above is a quote of Musset’s that expresses the idea in words.
(starting to appreciate French literature)
Recently, I came across the writer George Sand (a french woman) who is known for her rebellious attitude toward traditional female norms. For instance, she was known to dress in mens clothing and frequently expressed marriage as an agent of female oppression.
In spite of her radical forward looking views of the time, she was still a master seducer. Actually, my first run-in with her was in Robert Greene’s “The Art of Seduction”. I happened to browse through Netflix one night to quench my thirst for an erotic, reckless, fatalistic love affair and found this movie “Children of the Century”. Alfred de Musset’s (a french poet) take on the relationship.
I love French films!! What I love even more is someone who can formulate how something so vile can simultaneously be so beautiful. Sand an Musset’s relationship does this extremely well and above is a quote of Musset’s that expresses the idea in words.
(starting to appreciate French literature)
Friday, September 30, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Me and Ms. Winehouse
It's because of this song, well and this video that I want to join the choir. I used to sing when I was younger and my voice was as assertive and raw as Ms. Winehouse (so I'd like to think). We'll see---and you can tell me what you think when I sing in the recital at the end of the year :)
Later loves
THIS LINK IS THE BEST VERSION, BUT I ADDED A VIDEO THAT ALLOWED ME TO EMBED SINCE THIS ONE WON'T didn't want to leave you all empty handed :)
http://youtu.be/lqSKVv6YO8g
^^^^^^^I insist you check it out though^^^^^^^
RIP Ms. Winehouse
You were never alone in your struggles
Saturday, September 24, 2011
ME AGAINST MYSELF
Today marked the first day of me deciding to make a life changing decision...
Tomorrow will determine if I follow through...
I need this to be a domino effect...
One good decision after the other...
One great action after the other...
One amazing result after the other...
TIRED OF LOOKING AT THIS STALEMATE ON THE CHESS BOARD
ME AGAINST MYSELF
Tomorrow will determine if I follow through...
I need this to be a domino effect...
One good decision after the other...
One great action after the other...
One amazing result after the other...
TIRED OF LOOKING AT THIS STALEMATE ON THE CHESS BOARD
ME AGAINST MYSELF
Sunday, March 20, 2011
My *give up for lent* list
Newport Cigarettes
Menthol Cigarettes
(I'm a week and a half behind)
Cursing
Swearing
(use a better vocabulary)
Idle Time
(pray rosary and meditate)
Laziness
(exercise)
*Three's a charm and one just in case*
Menthol Cigarettes
(I'm a week and a half behind)
Cursing
Swearing
(use a better vocabulary)
Idle Time
(pray rosary and meditate)
Laziness
(exercise)
*Three's a charm and one just in case*
Lent
As a child, I remember lent as somewhat terrifying for many reasons. For one, I knew I had to give something up that I enjoyed dearly. For years I would always choose candy. Secondly, there was a lingering anxiety felt in fear that I wouldn’t succeed and thinking that God would be “mad at me.” Now we all know how difficult it is for a child to completely do away with candy for forty whole days -- and who wants to face God if you believe he’s upset with you? Strangely enough I observe this same childlike approach to the Lenten season in my adult self and my fellow adult Christians. When I took a small poll amongst my friends in college asking “What does Lent mean to you?” and “How do you participate?”, I found many had a similar response. They all believe it’s a time of fasting---when one gives up a vice of some sort for forty days. Well, why?
I am a member of the Lykehouse: The Catholic Center at the AUC and Lent, as we know it is a time of preparation. It is the time before Easter when we prepare ourselves, and our parish for the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Imagine how difficult this task poses amongst several college campuses full of “caterpillar” students. Transitioning from childhood into adulthood—literally. At the Lykehouse we host a list of services and do all that we can to both serve and nurture students on their forty day long journey. Hopefully, our students will be the most beautiful butterflies ever seen.
Usually the place is decorated in Royal Purple emphasizing the coming of our King Jesus Christ. As do most churches, we start our Lenten season with an Ash Wednesday Mass. Throughout the course of the season we all participate by serving as lectors, acolytes, hospitality minsters, musical ministers, and even liturgical dancers. Our unique center is not only for the students of the AUC, but it is also by the students as well. I have been a member for all of six years. My participation includes liturgical dance and dramatized readings. So much so that we collaborate with our Priest, Fr. Edward Branch, during our liturgy meeting to make sure his homily is in alignment with the current Christian issues in the AUC. During Lent, this is especially important because temptations on campus are omnipresent. His message has to be strong and heartfelt. Some years we even do a Stations of the Cross walkthrough around the campuses.
One of the key ingredients to my success during Lent has been the “packet” Lykehouse issues’. It is full of prayers and affirmations to help me stay on track. It comes in a neat purple folder accompanied by a calendar and a Biblical fashioned nail. The nail, I think, is what sets us apart from the many student Catholic centers in the Atlanta region during lent. We are asked to carry it around for the entire journey. Yes—everywhere! It is a symbol of Jesus’ pain and suffering in which we are to reflect on during lent. When we choose to make a sacrifice or “give something up” we may often find ourselves suffering as well. Fighting temptation isn’t a walk in the park. Having the nail with us at all times ensures security and inspires courage in knowing that if Jesus could sacrifice his life for me, I can sacrifice anything. We are also to mimic Jesus’ time in the wilderness during these forty days where he also had to fight temptation.
I have had my experiences in the wilderness both during Lent and beyond. My childhood life wasn’t a very appealing hand of cards to play. For most of it I felt alone and insecure---in every meaning of the word. I dealt with these emotions all up until I met Jesus Christ. It was love at first sight, creating an internal--eternal flame of passion and devotion. I met him at my confirmation night at the end of Lent, Easter Vigil, when I was 13 years old. I don’t remember much about “giving up something” that year, rather I remember the opposite. I “ gained something”. I made a choice, the right choice, to wait for Jesus. I had the courage and the faith to endure my painful feelings and situations for 40 days longer to wait for someone that I honestly wasn’t sure would arrive. I dealt with the temptation to quit or find other means of healing that were both harmful and illegal, but sure to subdue the pain.
Now that I’m transitioning into adulthood, temptation is even more difficult to reject than fighting it as a child. I can easily give up candy nowadays. Sure its fine to observe lent by “giving something up” but lets not forget what we gain as well. Jesus gave his life for our salvation, but he also gained eternal life for everyone. Its not so much about how we celebrate lent as individuals, instead its about how what we do as individuals will eventually benefit us all. This is a principle Lykehouse’s Lenten practices have taught me. Maybe facing the feeling that I was loosing something is what made lent so terrifying for me as a child. While lent is a sad time, we must not forget that joy is near—Jesus is near. What better ways to exemplify this enlightenment than to participate, share our time with a community, help the poor and orphaned, do more than we usually do. With Lykehouse’s help I am humbled, and reassured that I can be a better person in preparation for the coming of our King. Lent is truly a special time at Lykehouse and we only hope to be a beacon of light and hope for our AUC students to share with the world.
So there it is, Lent isn’t just about “giving something up”, particularly a vice. To put it more in perspective, it’s about “sharing and preparing”.
I am a member of the Lykehouse: The Catholic Center at the AUC and Lent, as we know it is a time of preparation. It is the time before Easter when we prepare ourselves, and our parish for the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Imagine how difficult this task poses amongst several college campuses full of “caterpillar” students. Transitioning from childhood into adulthood—literally. At the Lykehouse we host a list of services and do all that we can to both serve and nurture students on their forty day long journey. Hopefully, our students will be the most beautiful butterflies ever seen.
Usually the place is decorated in Royal Purple emphasizing the coming of our King Jesus Christ. As do most churches, we start our Lenten season with an Ash Wednesday Mass. Throughout the course of the season we all participate by serving as lectors, acolytes, hospitality minsters, musical ministers, and even liturgical dancers. Our unique center is not only for the students of the AUC, but it is also by the students as well. I have been a member for all of six years. My participation includes liturgical dance and dramatized readings. So much so that we collaborate with our Priest, Fr. Edward Branch, during our liturgy meeting to make sure his homily is in alignment with the current Christian issues in the AUC. During Lent, this is especially important because temptations on campus are omnipresent. His message has to be strong and heartfelt. Some years we even do a Stations of the Cross walkthrough around the campuses.
One of the key ingredients to my success during Lent has been the “packet” Lykehouse issues’. It is full of prayers and affirmations to help me stay on track. It comes in a neat purple folder accompanied by a calendar and a Biblical fashioned nail. The nail, I think, is what sets us apart from the many student Catholic centers in the Atlanta region during lent. We are asked to carry it around for the entire journey. Yes—everywhere! It is a symbol of Jesus’ pain and suffering in which we are to reflect on during lent. When we choose to make a sacrifice or “give something up” we may often find ourselves suffering as well. Fighting temptation isn’t a walk in the park. Having the nail with us at all times ensures security and inspires courage in knowing that if Jesus could sacrifice his life for me, I can sacrifice anything. We are also to mimic Jesus’ time in the wilderness during these forty days where he also had to fight temptation.
I have had my experiences in the wilderness both during Lent and beyond. My childhood life wasn’t a very appealing hand of cards to play. For most of it I felt alone and insecure---in every meaning of the word. I dealt with these emotions all up until I met Jesus Christ. It was love at first sight, creating an internal--eternal flame of passion and devotion. I met him at my confirmation night at the end of Lent, Easter Vigil, when I was 13 years old. I don’t remember much about “giving up something” that year, rather I remember the opposite. I “ gained something”. I made a choice, the right choice, to wait for Jesus. I had the courage and the faith to endure my painful feelings and situations for 40 days longer to wait for someone that I honestly wasn’t sure would arrive. I dealt with the temptation to quit or find other means of healing that were both harmful and illegal, but sure to subdue the pain.
Now that I’m transitioning into adulthood, temptation is even more difficult to reject than fighting it as a child. I can easily give up candy nowadays. Sure its fine to observe lent by “giving something up” but lets not forget what we gain as well. Jesus gave his life for our salvation, but he also gained eternal life for everyone. Its not so much about how we celebrate lent as individuals, instead its about how what we do as individuals will eventually benefit us all. This is a principle Lykehouse’s Lenten practices have taught me. Maybe facing the feeling that I was loosing something is what made lent so terrifying for me as a child. While lent is a sad time, we must not forget that joy is near—Jesus is near. What better ways to exemplify this enlightenment than to participate, share our time with a community, help the poor and orphaned, do more than we usually do. With Lykehouse’s help I am humbled, and reassured that I can be a better person in preparation for the coming of our King. Lent is truly a special time at Lykehouse and we only hope to be a beacon of light and hope for our AUC students to share with the world.
So there it is, Lent isn’t just about “giving something up”, particularly a vice. To put it more in perspective, it’s about “sharing and preparing”.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Friday, December 17, 2010
Seven Day Streak of Writing 11/26
#1 Why is produce called produce? Does it have anything to do with those foods being the better choices (healthy) of all the food groups? So in turn they help you to become more productive? You know, produce!!
#2 why do high eyes look like crying eyes?
#3 Are animals really less intelligent than humans? From what I understand, they don't see in color.
#4 You're like a nutritious meal to me. Rich in vitamin D, although I could never call you a supplement.
#5 Muse by way of music, its quite mus-ic.
#6 I was lost as hell when I was a sophmore. *Well why?* I knew I was lost and didn't want to be, I just couldn't find a way out.
#7 Your relationship with god will reflect in your relationship with other people.
#2 why do high eyes look like crying eyes?
#3 Are animals really less intelligent than humans? From what I understand, they don't see in color.
#4 You're like a nutritious meal to me. Rich in vitamin D, although I could never call you a supplement.
#5 Muse by way of music, its quite mus-ic.
#6 I was lost as hell when I was a sophmore. *Well why?* I knew I was lost and didn't want to be, I just couldn't find a way out.
#7 Your relationship with god will reflect in your relationship with other people.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Missing Georgetown Cupcake...Ended Up Falling In Love with CamiCakes
It all happened one humid afternoon here in Atlanta, GA...I was venting to some friends about an argument between my boyfriend and I. Saddened by our morning disagreement that permeated its way into my entire day, I knew there was only one thing that could cheer me up. Cupcakes!
Born and raised in Northwest DC, I was loyal to our infamous Georgetown Cupcake. I thought this would be the only cupcake joint that could own my heart. Their cupcakes literally just melt in your mouth, making the hour long wait in line for them all the more worthwhile. Until...
I crossed paths with CamiCakes.
My friend suggested that I take a trip up Peachtree Street for a Cupcake fix. Since I had forgotten how to smile that afternoon, and he couldn't remind me of how smiling works---cupcakes was his final resolution. He's a genius right?
So I scurried to my car, revved up my V8 Thunderbird engine and flew up Peachtree Street. Lo and behold, there she was; her rich brown and opaque pink colors twinkled in my eyes. Her smell seeped into my nostrals releasing the dopamine I neglected for so long. I felt a high coming.
Before I knew it, I was sinking my teeth
into a delectable lemon drop. Lemon cake is my absolute favorite! It's complex sweet and sour mixture. Sort of like me. 
Anywho, try CamiCakes (Atlanta). Yum.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Fix Me Jesus - Revelations by Alvin Ailey
Sometimes you just have to step back and say a quick prayer...
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Compliance
My hair about ten minutes after it was blowed-out and pressed...right before I stepped out into the rain o_O...
This is the last one, and also the most stubborn lock throughtout my journey...even now it poses to be stubborn in spite of it's freedom...hhmmm
This is most of the hair, and negative energy I'm leaving behind...still have more to let go...but that task will require a process deeper than simply taking out my locks...
This is the tool I used to pluck through my ever-so-strong hair...
it's a sculpting utensil I picked up from Utrecht Art Supplies...guess I was sculpting myself into the person I desire to be...and it continues today...and will probably last until I reach my "golden years"...
it's a sculpting utensil I picked up from Utrecht Art Supplies...guess I was sculpting myself into the person I desire to be...and it continues today...and will probably last until I reach my "golden years"...
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